Well it certainly has been a while, hasn't it?

I would explain, but there isn't a need. There are still a plethora of self doubt and self pity floating around in my head. But I really don't want to whine about myself on the internet anymore. I do that enough as it is. So, instead, I am going to turn this into something a bit better. I will now be posting pictures of the food I make. And some random musings and what-not that will refuse to leave my head. Like my thoughts on what people could hear when they listen to my favourite band. I often wonder what they sound like to other people; what they hear when Chester sings. Because they do not have the exact same feels feelings (Tumblr...) and memories that I do. So, where as I hear salvation and strength and survival in their words and music, what does that sound like to someone else? What do they hear in the same words?

And now I am rambling.

I made a promise to myself that I would bake more. And bake more things that I have never made before, or need practice with. So this will now chronicle my adventures in life and baking. I really hope I don't let anyone down.

...seriously?! WHAT DO OTHER PEOPLE HEAR WHEN LINKIN PARK COMES ON THE RADIO?!

Feelings of Inadequacy

I’ve never been an overly happy person. I have what people call “Chronic Bitch Face.” For those who don’t know, CBF means that when you are happy, or overjoyed, you don’t always express it. Don’t ask me why. That’s just the way it goes.

That being said, 90% of life annoys the fuck out of me. It takes all of my strength in a day, not to rip someone’s arms off and use them to beat them. I’ve learned that it’s just easier to keep your mouth shut, because it’s a great place for your foot. Especially in a fit of rage.

But I’ve gotten used to that way of dealing with things. Mainly because I am convinced that if I actually open up and talk about why I’m so fucking annoyed, I won’t be taken seriously and people will just call me an asshole. So when I know I need to talk to someone, I cry. It’s just easier. I mean…how could I possibly talk about my feelings? 

I should just resign myself to the fact that Jamison just doesn’t understand (or maybe he doesn’t care) why it bothers me when he just says “I have to work on the day you want me to do something with your family. OH WELL. But we can still do something with my family!”

OH WELL OF COURSE WE CAN! THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS ANYWAY! GOD FORBID WE MISS DOING SOMETHING WITH YOUR FAMILY! THAT WOULD JUST BE TRAGIC! AND DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME AND HOW I FEEL. 

I’m too scared to talk to him about this because he probably think I’m attacking his family and he will dump me.

Teen angst ends after 19...

...right? Well it's supposed to. Or maybe it just has a new name after your teens end. I'm not sure. I've never been big on knowing what's going on in the emotional world. All I do know, is that whatever it's called, I am feeling it.

It really isn't anything I can place my finger on. All I know is that my moody blues strike whenever the fuck they feel like it. Which means I am always annoyed. Even when people are trying to help. FUCK. Why do I alienate people whenever I'm upset?

FUCK!

When You Least Expect It...

I'm a child of divorce. My parents could barely stay together long enough to name me after I was born. Ever since then, I have had a VERY strained relationship with my father. Not because he's a terrible dad or anything like that. My dad is actually very great, when we're actually in contact. I've been through some shit that I imagine is very hard for a father to digest. It's something that I used to hide, because I was (and still kind of am, actually) ashamed of what happened. My step-dad's father molested myself and my two sisters. For about six or seven years, in my life anyway. My middle sister got the worst of it. Needless to say, it hasn't been something that's ever really gone away. And when my dad found out about it...he sort of shut down that bridge and left me standing on the other side, wondering what I had done wrong. For years after, I told myself that it was because I was broken. I had become the child that every parent worries about. No one wants a child like me.

Well, I'm 25 now, going on 26. So I have to start getting my shit together. I'm in love, I live with the love of my life and when you add up all the time I've spent with my dad...it equals approximately 4 years. Not good for a twenty-something *shudder* WOMAN. Needless to say, I'm starting to feel the pressure. Something changed overnight. I'm feeling more comfortable with my dad. He has a cell phone; I took initiative and sent him a text today. Yeah. I'm a wild woman. I told him about the legal drama I've been having with my ex-landlord. I'll be honest: I wasn't really expecting much. But my dad proved me wrong. He's gone the extra mile and is even volunteering to take me to the courthouse and figure out what the fuck is going on and how my ex-landlord managed to start all of this. I should be happy. But I'm scared. I'm scared that the mess I've made of my life, has finally caught up with me. I'm scared that in one day, I'm going to lose everything. I love that my dad is taking a stand with me. I just...I'm scared. I know Jamie wants to be there. But I can't have him there. I can't have him sitting in that court room and have her walk all over me. And I know that this has taken a turn away from my father. That happens sometimes. I'm so grateful that my dad is working with me at this 'father-daughter' thing. But in my fucked up universe, it's scary. My life is scary. I haven't done anything right until I met Jamie. And now, my whole past could just drop kick Jamie in the fucking heart. I can't have that. He needs someone who is stable and normal and NOT me. He is too good for me, but somehow he feels like I'm on his level.

*sigh* I just...I'm so tired. I need to start trying to fix the parts of my past that I can.

It starts...

Well I certainly took my time starting this blog. Truth be told, I've had my fair share of blogging experience. Yet those blogs always seem to fade away. But I've decided that 2012 is the year I take some action in my life. More writing. More sending writing out to publishers. More success. That last one won't be too hard to beat, since I have yet to have some actual success. The intention is there though.


I've always been afraid of sharing my work with the world, unless it is a silly, fluffy fan fiction. Probably because people aren't as critical and judgmental with fan fiction. Original work however...that's a different story. Once you start coming up with your own ideas, you're a threat. Competition for the vastly growing market of the literary world. It's becoming harder and harder to find good quality books, ever since the age of reality TV and glittery vampires. Now a days, all you really need to mass publish a book, is a TV show or complete and total willingness to sell yourself out. I'm done hearing about vampires and werewolves and zombies and...well pretty much everything that makes it to the "Best Sellers" list. I'm ravenous for some good fiction, on the verge of insatiable really. Alas, stellar fiction books are few and far between. There's no more substance to books. Only an army of interchangeable protagonists and routine plots. The End. Lather, rinse, repeat.

This is the year I try to feed others who are just as hungry for originality as I am. Even if it seems like originality is an endangered species.