I'm a child of divorce. My parents could barely stay together long enough to name me after I was born. Ever since then, I have had a VERY strained relationship with my father. Not because he's a terrible dad or anything like that. My dad is actually very great, when we're actually in contact. I've been through some shit that I imagine is very hard for a father to digest. It's something that I used to hide, because I was (and still kind of am, actually) ashamed of what happened. My step-dad's father molested myself and my two sisters. For about six or seven years, in my life anyway. My middle sister got the worst of it. Needless to say, it hasn't been something that's ever really gone away. And when my dad found out about it...he sort of shut down that bridge and left me standing on the other side, wondering what I had done wrong. For years after, I told myself that it was because I was broken. I had become the child that every parent worries about. No one wants a child like me.
Well, I'm 25 now, going on 26. So I have to start getting my shit together. I'm in love, I live with the love of my life and when you add up all the time I've spent with my dad...it equals approximately 4 years. Not good for a twenty-something *shudder* WOMAN. Needless to say, I'm starting to feel the pressure. Something changed overnight. I'm feeling more comfortable with my dad. He has a cell phone; I took initiative and sent him a text today. Yeah. I'm a wild woman. I told him about the legal drama I've been having with my ex-landlord. I'll be honest: I wasn't really expecting much. But my dad proved me wrong. He's gone the extra mile and is even volunteering to take me to the courthouse and figure out what the fuck is going on and how my ex-landlord managed to start all of this. I should be happy. But I'm scared. I'm scared that the mess I've made of my life, has finally caught up with me. I'm scared that in one day, I'm going to lose everything. I love that my dad is taking a stand with me. I just...I'm scared. I know Jamie wants to be there. But I can't have him there. I can't have him sitting in that court room and have her walk all over me. And I know that this has taken a turn away from my father. That happens sometimes. I'm so grateful that my dad is working with me at this 'father-daughter' thing. But in my fucked up universe, it's scary. My life is scary. I haven't done anything right until I met Jamie. And now, my whole past could just drop kick Jamie in the fucking heart. I can't have that. He needs someone who is stable and normal and NOT me. He is too good for me, but somehow he feels like I'm on his level.
*sigh* I just...I'm so tired. I need to start trying to fix the parts of my past that I can.
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